


Not All Are Found

by Lady_Amarant



Category: Tales of Graces
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:10:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1725677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Amarant/pseuds/Lady_Amarant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Asbel is taken before the final battle, what everyone finds is two broken men trying cope with events neither of them wish to share.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This. Is really not a happy fic. It might be the darkest thing I might write (and I say this after writing Anima Mala), and I really recommend treading carefully.
> 
> "Not all who wander are found."  
> -[Night Vale Radio](https://twitter.com/NightValeRadio/status/447791321260883968)

There was a point pain stopped registering. Memory usually went with it, blanking for a few moments as he could feel his back colliding into an unyielding object, his head smashing into something even harder. For a moment, he could see nothing, eyes opened blankly to a sky that didn’t register. Then, slowly, purple filtered into his vision, blue sky behind the vibrant hair as Sophie healed him, lending her strength to Cheria’s artes. Asbel shifted to sit up, his limbs moving slightly before stopping as his head and back screamed at him. Cheria’s hands touched his shoulders, the light touch keeping him anchored down. Without thinking about it, his head turned to one side, the body of what they had just fought kneeling lifelessly in the dust. It looked like- “Lambda.”

”Don’t talk, Asbel.” Cheria’s hands flexed as another healing arte started. “We’re almost done.” One hand gently ran across his arm, her face a mask of concentration.”

”That’s Lamba’s first body.” Sophie’s voice confirmed his words. She stood, turning slightly to look at the battered form. It hurt, to see how she felt emotions, when sorrow passed through her features. Her face tilted back to Asbel, her eyes downcast. “I’ll never forget you,” she told him softly, intensely.

”Sophie?”

Cheria’s hands pulled back, slipping under his back as she helped Asbel sit up. “You were badly hurt. Don’t push yourself too quickly.” Her gaze slipped over to the slumped body as well, and her hands shivered against his spine. “It’s terrible... he must have had such terrible experiences if he’s alone like this.”

”I want to make a grave for him.” Sophie’s voice came out small and determined. Asbel stood slowly in deference to the full feeling in his head, reaching out for her shoulder. She turned to him, her eyes serious. “Is that okay?”

”We’ll help you,” Cheria told her, turning to pin Asbel with a sharp look. “And Asbel’s going to rest while we do so.”

A noise of protest built on his lips before he felt Malik’s hand fall on his shoulder. “You aren’t winning this one. We’ve seen that look before.” A rich chuckle built in his throat, rumbling over Asbel’s skin as it picked its way out. “I think Sophie will understand if you go sit down under that tree.”

”Asbel?” The gentle glow of Sophie’s healing suffused his bones as she took his hand. “Does that feel better?”

”Y-yeah!” Asbel smiled down at her, a hand touching between her pigtails. “Let’s make a grave for him, okay?”

Sophie nodded, a grateful look warring with worry. Her worry echoed in Cheria’s eyes, and as they built they grave she came up close to him, her voice pitched low as she knelt. “Head injuries are hard for me to heal. Especially when you were hit as hard as you were.” She packed another bit of dirt down, tilting her head towards Asbel. “I don’t know the extent of the damage, and I won’t really know until I’ve seen how you are over the next few days. Asbel, you should take it easy. If something really is wrong...”

A smile that almost turned into a grimace crossed his lips as a nervous chuckle bubbled up. “I’m fine, Cheria. It’s okay! You did fine. And I-” He looked over at Sophie, her small face set in a serious mask as she shaped the dirt. “I didn’t want to disappoint Sophie.”

The fierce unease crossing Cheria’s face softened as she followed his gaze. “Just rest after this, okay? And I need to examine your head tonight.”

Asbel nodded, ignoring how a twinge of pain crawled across his skull. “Okay. Thank you.”

She turned away, her cheeks burning pink as her hands slapped down more dirt. “Y-you don’t need to thank me! I’m just... doing what I’d do for anyone.” Her eyes glanced over at him, and he reached out, stilling her thin fingers. “... I just don’t want to see you hurt, Asbel.”

”I know.” He squeezed her hand, standing. “I know.

* * *

It helped, a little, when Cheria healed him again. Something about the brain being hit against the skull bruised it, she said, and it was a delicate process to heal it properly. It took a lot of energy, and a lot of concentration to make sure that everything was healed and not just the surface. It didn’t make much sense to him, but he trusted her skills.

He still couldn’t sleep, his head aching just enough that dreams eluded him. Asbel stared up at the ceiling, an arm over his forehead. He should sleep, rest up for the final journey to Richard- no, Lambda. They had barely won before, and the battle against Emeraude had been even rougher. He would need all his strength if he wanted to- to bring Richard back from Lambda. Maybe if he went for a short walk, it would clear his mind. He didn’t want to bother Cheria again; she needed rest too. But an Apple Gel would dull the pain enough so he could sleep, and she would look him over in the morning. It would be fine. Asbel slipped out of bed, making his way out for his walk.

It wasn’t a cold night, however, the air ran against his skin in chilly wisps. Just enough to be pleasant. Asbel smiled a little as he made his way down the trail, hand casually on the hilt of his sword as he walked. It was truly a nice night. He would just walk a little further, just a little further more, then he would make his way back. Just not right now. His feet took him further, further away, until finally he had to sit down, his head starting to pound so hard the ground started to tilt. Maybe it was time to get back and lay down. And tomorrow... Asbel lifted a hand to his chest, taking a breath. He would save Richard. Lambda... Asbel closed his eyes, his hand lowering. Lambda. After what he had seen in the lab, could he...? He flattened his hands against his knees, opening his eyes. There had to be something. If he could save Richard, he could do anything.

Yeah. That was it. He nodded, wincing as the action caused a lance of pain to shoot through his head, then stood gingerly. Through careful timing, he had managed to avoid monsters, but he would have to be just as careful on the way back. With a stretch, he turned to start on his way, noticing it was a lot darker than before. A lot later than he expected it to be. And it had gotten a lot cooler as well. Shivering, he rubbed his arms as he walked, trying to make sure he didn’t run into any monsters. With this headache, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to fight as well as he wanted to.

A rustle behind him stopped his steps. It was more deliberate than a monster, even one that had decided to stalk him. The first thought that crossed his mind was _Hubert? He followed me?_ before he heard another voiceless scrape of movement. Malik would have said something as well, Pascal didn’t stay quiet gracefully, both Cheria and Sophie would have been worried, so who-? Asbel spun around, hand wrapped around the hilt of his sword.

His heart lurched as red eyes met his, set in a corrupted face, one he remembered well. “R-richard?” But wasn’t he at-? What was he-? This wasn’t good. If he had been with the rest, they would have easily been able to fight him if he attacked, but Asbel alone, feeling the way he did... He tried to school his face to not show what he was thinking, his hand giving it away as it twitched on the hilt.

”Is that how you always want it, Asbel?” A note in Richard’s voice curled its way through the words, making Asbel grit his teeth. Was it Richard that plead there? Or Lambda, corrupting Richard’s words? “It never had to be this way.”

His hand relaxed. Was this Richard speaking instead of Lambda? Pulling himself away from the thoughts that sent him into such rages, and such destructive behavior? “It’s not too late, Richard,” Asbel urged. “It doesn’t have to end this way. We can end this now, and go back to-”

The crimson gaze blazed furiously, cutting him off. “Go back to what, Asbel? You pretending to be my perfect knight, then betraying me as soon as you can?” His claws flexed as he took a step closer, absolute anger in every line of his body as his voice layered, Lambda achingly over Richard. “I only wanted you. I tried to give you everything you ever wanted and you spat it back in my face.” Asbel swung the sheath up, blocking just as Richard struck, claws ending close enough to brush his face. “Even now, you defy me!” He was forced to dodge as the other hand came up, just barely keeping from slashing into his coat.

”Richard, listen to me!” It felt so close, to bring Richard back. If he could just- “I never wanted this! I wanted how it was before, how you were before. How you cared about everyone before, and didn’t want to hurt anyone!”

”That Richard was too weak!” His wings came up, spinning as they reached for him. Unable to dodge that, Asbel stumbled back, blood dripping from his cheek and shoulder. “He just took pain, took the heartache, took the loss of someone he loved, and look what happened. My father is dead, my uncle tried to take the throne and kill me, and you. You.” The word came out on such a hateful hiss that Asbel couldn’t tell if it was Richard or Lambda’s tones, or both. He blocked another swipe, trying to find an opening to return an attack between the daggers of pain and sudden waves of dizziness wracking his skull. “You, so loyal. So steadfast. You could have had everything, and then you decided to throw it all away.”

Claws dug into his arms, deep enough that he couldn’t hold a sound of pain behind his lips. Why wasn’t Richard using more powerful artes? If he was this angry, if he wanted to just destroy him, he was alone. He could have just thrown out a Shade Imperial and downed him immediately. Why-? Asbel felt himself being shoved onto a boulder, the claws still deep in him. “It’s not too late, Asbel. You can still join me. We can destroy all this pain, and selfishness, and make things right.”

The way he looked at Asbel was the most Richard look he had in the longest time. It dizzied him, how much he looked like the man he came to know, came to like, came to want to save. Asbel opened his mouth, not sure what to say, his head swaying as his thoughts scattered under the threat of darkness. She had been right, he had needed to rest. “Cheria...”

Richard’s face twisted for a moment, then a disturbingly tender look softened the corrupted lines. His claws ripped out before he picked Asbel up, a smile lifting his lips. “You don’t see yet. Don’t worry, Asbel. I’ll make you see. And then you’ll know.”

Then all Asbel could feel was Richard leaving the ground, his vision dark as they flew through the air.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that the torture takes place. So I repeat, tread with caution.

Original Text

Any other time, the flight through the sky would have been a treat. The air flowing across his skin felt wonderful, and he didn’t know how gorgeous the sights were when nothing stood between him and them. Asbel closed his eyes after a while, his stomach rolling as the scenery blurred into colors that meant nothing. He could feel Richard’s claws lightly poking his skin through his clothing, the irritation keeping him from slipping into unconsciousness. Finally, he felt Richard stop, not quite landing yet, and he slowly opened his eyes again. Breath spilled from his lips as he looked around, then back up at the familiar face set in a corrupted mask. “Richard... is this the Lastalia?”

There was a soft chuckle as the hold on him tightened slightly. “Is it not beautiful?” Asbel felt himself tense as he saw the feral look on Richard’s face, the almost inhuman twist of lips. Then it softened as he looked down at Asbel, almost pushing Lambda’s influence completely away. “Asbel... you can still say the words. You can still join me, and we can remake this world without all the pain, with you as my knight.”

”Richard...” Pain caused him to close his eyes again, swallowing hard. If it meant that Lambda would quiet, would not destroy everything, he would join in a heartbeat! He wanted Richard, his friend, the way he looked at him back so much he would be kneeling at his side as soon as he said the word. But not like this. Not at the price of everyone else. “I know you’re still in there. I know you’re-”

A growl escaped Richard’s throat, layering with the hateful tones of Lambda’s as he dropped Asbel. Taken by surprise, he landed hard, pain shooting through his back and head. Richard landed by him, and dug his claws into his hair, pulling him up with vicious movements. “Are you still wishing to say those words, Asbel? Are you still wishing to believe I am not the one that was hurt, that was betrayed? That nearly died from who should have been my own men if not from Lambda, who watched my father die and my uncle seize his throne, who watched you attack me after you declared yourself by my side?” He knelt down, almost spitting the words into his face. “You came into my life and never wavered, even years after we met. And then, you betrayed me like everyone else. Why, Asbel? Why did you take my trust and break it so thoroughly?”

”I didn’t!” He kept his eyes open, trying to concentrate through the way Richard’s face swam in his vision. “You were about to go too far, Richard. I didn’t want you to do something you’d regret!”

He hesitated, then let Asbel go, standing to look down at him. “I would not had regretted any action done towards those who hurt me,” he hissed. Slowly, his face softened eerily as he knelt back down, his claws lightly stroking Asbel’s face. It took everything he had not to flinch away from that touch, fearing it would turn cruel and painful at any moment. “But you were thinking you were looking out for me, though you betrayed me in the end.” The claws traced the lower bend of Asbel’s lip before retreating. “You’re so close to understanding, aren’t you?”

”Richard...” Asbel closed his eyes in frustration, his stomach starting to threaten emptying its contents. He felt Richard picking him up, then an odd sensation as his back pressed into a part of the wall, arms suddenly surrounded and pinned. “What are you-”

”When you understand, I’ll let you go.” He could feel his hand hesitating before his face before his chin was cupped. “You need a Gel right now, don’t you. It won’t do for you to be hurt while you try to understand why.” The hand retreated, then something soft pressed against his lips, the sharp scent of apple tickling his nose. Asbel opened his mouth slowly, the taste of the Apple Gel spreading across his tongue as it dissolved quickly down his throat. His headache immediately eased as his stomach quieted, and he slowly opened his eyes. Richard had turned away, looking at something. “I would recommend getting sleep.” He turned back to Asbel, the smile twisting his lips pure Lambda now. “You will need your strength in the upcoming days.”

* * *

Somehow through the night, Asbel had fallen asleep. He didn’t know how, but at some point a noise roused him and he realized he had nodded off. What woke him, though, he couldn’t find. The Lastalia settling? A monster passing nearby? Asbel found himself tensing at that thought, hyperaware he was bound to a wall without a weapon. It was frustrating be so helpless, unable to fight back. His head hurt again, but not nearly as much, the taste of apple back on his tongue. He looked around again, realizing Richard was nowhere to be seen. Where-?

Geez, he had to pee. Richard better show up soon.

As time passed, Asbel started fidgeting. Why weren’t there monsters? When would Richard show back up? Would he be- Asbel swallowed, his hands flexing. Just in that conversation, sometimes he was the Richard he knew. And sometimes, he was- he spoke with Lambda riding him, so hateful he couldn’t stand it. He could hear Richard still in there, he knew the hate from the both of them was only because they had been hurt, but- Asbel took a deep breath, looking up. There had to be a way to save them... right?

Finally, Richard landed before him. His face was unreadable as Asbel sagged in relief. “I was hoping you’d show up soon,” he breathed. “I really have to pee. Can you let me down so I can find a place to...?”

A sharp claw touched his jaw, raising his head and tracing it with pressure just soft enough not to break the skin. “Have you thought about what I said before?”

That just made Asbel stare at Richard in disbelief. He needed to go to the bathroom so badly it almost hurt, and all he could say was about understanding him and joining him. “Richard, please-”

Blood dripped down his skin in a small river as the claw pressed in harder. “I said I would let you down when you understood. Have you thought about it?”

”Richard, it isn’t the time-”

”Have you thought about it?!” he roared, grabbing Asbel’s head suddenly in a tight grip. He cried out, looking at Richard in surprise as he leaned in, eyes burning crimson. “Do you understand why it was a betrayal, why I need you by my side?” He studied Asbel’s face, then stepped back in disgust, correctly reading the fear and the answer there. “The answer stays the same, Asbel. You’ll be let down when you understand. Think about it, and understand.”

It sunk in after Richard left what he had said. He wasn’t getting down, not any time soon. Asbel lowered his head as he twisted in his bonds, trying to pull free. This couldn’t- he had to get down. Just for a little bit. His breath started coming faster as his arms held tighter to the wall, holding him harder instead of breaking.

”Richard...”

* * *

It startled him the next time Richard appeared. Asbel had gotten so used to the sounds of the Lastalia, how it groaned around him, and the slight hissing movements of the monsters moving around outside that it didn’t register any longer. Having Richard suddenly appear in front of him, however, made him jump, back scraping against the wall. His eyes didn’t meet the question in the red gaze, however, humiliation bringing a flush to his cheeks as he felt suddenly aware of the state of his clothes. No matter how hard he had tried to hold out...

”I never wanted this.” Richard’s voice only made his skin burn hotter, hands flexing into fists. “You could have been let down before now, Asbel.” There was a scrape along his side, claws raking down his clothing and parting the threads. His claws settled on his hip as Richard took his other hand, gripping his chin in a tight grip and yanked his head towards his. Asbel looked at him, startled as Richard’s face fell into disappointment. “I don’t want you to suffer like this.”

”Then let me down,” came the plea. “We can do this together. We can fix this, and we can go back to the way it was. Richard-”

”Don’t you understand what it was like?” Claws on his hip suddenly dug in deeply as Richard pulled Asbel’s face forward. “That Richard was weak, letting people walk all over him. How it was before is not how it will be!” He paused, tilting his head slightly as he leaned in. Breath ghosted over Asbel’s lips and chin as Richard spoke again, softly. “It was too easy to be hurt then. I wasn’t strong enough. But now I am. And now I can take away all that pain humanity gives, and let you no longer experience it as well.”

Asbel let out a breath, feeling his muscle tremble from being pulled forward with his arms still bound and the claws embedded in his side. “The Richard I know would never want to hurt anyone like this.”

For a moment, he paused. For that moment, Asbel felt hope rise. Was he thinking about it? Thinking about who he had been, questioning his actions. The claws pulled out, and he opened his mouth again to follow up on what he said before Richard slammed his head back, a burst of pain blossoming through his skull again. “Still talking like that.” A Gel was held up to his lips again, another Apple Gel as irritation settled on Richard’s face as Asbel took it into his mouth. “Making me hurt you again. You shouldn’t do that. I don’t want you to be hurt like that.”

Before Asbel could swallow and reply, Richard lifted himself into the air and took off. The blood dripping down his leg stopped as the wound closed, and his headache eased considerably as he took a shaking breath. Could he... was that the Richard he knew? No, he could still see hints of him under the hatred of Lambda. He could see Lambda’s hatred softening, cracking. He was still there.

* * *

Clothing and skin shredded under Richard’s claws as Asbel cried out. “Why don’t you understand?!” came the frustrated cry. “It’s not difficult.” His forehead rested against Asbel’s as his hands pressed against the wounds, making Asbel breathe in raggedly. “Shh. It’s not that hard. It’ll all be okay once you agree to join me.”

Tears prickled at Asbel’s eyes. He could see glimpses of the prince he had known in every conversation, the love and care for his people peeking through briefly. But it mingled with hatred and fear each time, spinning into something he couldn’t follow. “I can’t,” he choked out. “I just want my friend back. I can’t hurt everyone else just for my friend.”

Hands tightened, making claws rip into his skin again as Asbel swallowed another cry. Then they relaxed, and Richard pulled away. “You made me hurt you again,” he murmured. “And you’re filthy. Here-” Asbel opened his mouth automatically as another Apple Gel came to his mouth. He could feel Richard here, the real Richard when he took care of him. Then he inhaled sharply as he felt the last rags of his clothing peel off him, claws slicing through whatever didn’t easily slip off. “Much better. Look at you, bloody like that.” He quickly left, leaving Asbel trying to hunch in on himself. It was bad enough tied to the wall, soiled and hurt, but like this- then Richard came back, a small bowl of water in one hand. He picked up a rather clean piece of the ruined clothes, and used it to start washing Asbel. “There. Isn’t that much better?”

”Yes,” Asbel muttered, then inhaled sharply as the claws holding the scrap of cloth moved closer to his groin. He was being gentle right now, but so close to that- The other hand came up to move him around, claws so close to the sensitive skin, making him tremble as Richard ran the cloth over him, then pulled the skin back to clean the head properly. Through the fear, though, it felt good, the burst of humiliated pleasure staining his cheeks as Richard let him go to focus on his thighs. When he finally finished up with his toes, he stood fluidly, claws lightly touching Asbel’s face.

”All you have to do is join me,” he told him, voice soft. Then he gathered up the rest of the rags and the bowl, leaving Asbel shivering naked and alone, thinking.

Richard was still in there. But... he couldn’t take this anymore. He couldn’t take watching the little glimpses. He just wanted Richard back, just wanted this over with. If he joined him, it would be over. He’d be let down, allowed to go pee properly, eat, wash up by himself, get clothed... he wouldn’t make Richard hurt him anymore... If he joined Richard, could he get the man he knew back? Asbel closed his eyes, his teeth gritting. The man he knew was in there, he knew it. If he stood by Richard’s side, could he coax that man back out? His mouth opened, then closed as he shook his head. No. No, he couldn’t hurt the others.

He’d just do anything to have Richard back.

But... he couldn't stop thinking about it. Thinking about if he could just get Richard to trust him. If he could, then he could just bring him back. Asbel took a shuddering breath, shaking his head. The price was too high, though. Asbel looked around, muscles shivering slightly. "Richard..."

No answer. He didn’t expect one, not really. Nor did he want one; he wasn’t sure what he was going to say if Richard had answered. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to think. Joining Richard seemed like the only option at this point, even if it meant hurting others. It was the only way to get to him. But he just couldn’t... he couldn’t. Asbel licked his lips, still trying to work it out when he heard the explosion. And in the middle, loud and familiar, he could hear the female voice. But... it couldn’t be, could it? It had been so long, they couldn’t- And then the bursting pops of Hubert’s gun filled his ears, and Asbel found himself leaning forward. They were here. His arms strained against the restraints, feeling them give. Then, slowly, they ripped, his arms pulling free. Asbel’s knees hit the ground as soon as he escaped, legs surprised to take the weight suddenly. But he couldn’t rest, and he pushed himself to his feet as soon as he could, making a shaky run towards the sounds of the battle.

Cheria held up her arms, breaking off her chant as Richard aimed at her when Asbel stumbled in. He watched as she quickly sidestepped, her arm shifting position to lift a knife before throwing it. She hopped back as Sophie took advantage of Richard’s unprotected rear, another chant coming to her lips right before a Revitalize shone under Hubert’s feet, closing his wounds as he rushed in to aid Sophie. Pascal followed behind him, her own wounds healing under the Revitalize as she attacked. A grin spread wide across her face as she fired off a Pyrogenic Ring, and Asbel found his chest freezing when Richard dropped. “Richard!”

Everyone stopped, then Cheria spun to him with wide eyes. Her hands came to her mouth, then dropped as she started towards him. Asbel tried taking a step forward, only to have weakness spread from his ankles up through his legs. Darkness swam before his eyes as he landed hard, breathing heavily. Someone touched him with gentle pressure, and he flinched. Each time, that touch ended with claws in him and the taste of apple- Asbel sat very still, waiting for the claws, then blinked. That voice- was too high pitched. Too feminine. He looked up into Cheria’s worried face, then over, meeting Hubert’s eyes before dropping them in shame as he noticed Sophie next to him. Smears of blood, of- Asbel knew he had a blush across his face as he realized his state. Richard hadn’t cleaned him perfectly. Just enough to not be caked with filth anymore. “Everyone...”

”Asbel, are you all right?” Malik’s rumbling voice came from beside him, and he fought another flinch as he nodded.

”Uh, guys, not to break up the reunion, but we got more problems than that!” Pascal’s voice cut through them, causing Cheria to turn with one arm up, knife already in hand. Richard was standing, looking at them- then dropped to one knee, and over to his side.

”No.” The word was breathed, pure Richard sounding in the tones. “No more of this, Lambda. We’re the ones causing pain now. If we keep down this path, my friends-” He struggled to look at them, one eye no longer shining crimson. “I can’t separate myself from Lambda anymore. Please. Before he recovers, before I-” Richard broke off, one clawed hand scraping against the ground. “Please. Kill me.”

Before he could stop himself, Asbel pushed Cheria out of the way, making a stumbling run for Richard. His knees scraped along the ground several times before his strength ran out before reaching him, trembling on his hands and knees before Richard’s struggling form. “I never... gave up on you,” he gasped out, looking up at him. “I knew you were in there. Please, Richard-”

” _If you so desire death, I have no more use for you._ ”

Asbel’s muscles froze at the voice sounding through his head, the voice that had been layered over Richard’s for so long. The one so tainted with hate it couldn’t even be considered human any longer. Lambda pulled Richard’s body away, leaving Asbel to do nothing but watch as the face he knew twisted in pain. One last burst of strength rode through him as he got up, reaching for Richard. Eyes met his, and gloved hands reached out to grab him as Richard fell free into his arms.

”Now!” At Malik’s order, Hubert rushed past him, Cheria and Pascal close behind. Not even giving Lambda a chance...? Asbel watched, one shaking hand on Richard’s head as they fought. No, that... that wasn’t right. Everything Lambda had done was because of what had happened to him. He needed to be shown there were people that would care for him, not- Asbel put Richard down, carefully tried to stand, and fell back down immediately. Another try, not even as far as before. He had reached his limits. But he kept trying, feeling his weak limbs not even protesting as they failed to respond to his demands. Then, he heard the battle stop, looking up to see Lambda return from a monstrous form to his black blob. Sophie stepped forward, her head set high, and memory hit him.

”No! I’m not losing anyone!” Even if he had to scramble on all fours, he was getting between Sophie and Lambda. She looked down at him, her eyes sad and resolved.

”Thank you, Asbel. But I need to do this, or Lambda will just go dormant again.” She smiled, bravely covering her fear. “I’ll still be with you, though.”

That- Asbel looked behind him at Lambda, trying to think of another way. He hadn’t held on for so long just to lose Sophie for Richard’s return. Lambda floated before them, eleth flowing out of him, black rippling around him, reaching-

Reaching for Richard. Reaching for another escape. If that happened, if Richard took Lambda on again... Before the thought could complete, Asbel turned, shoving his hand into the ball. He couldn’t let Sophie kill herself to save them, couldn’t let Richard lose himself again-!

”Asbel, what are you doing?!”

” _Yes, what are you doing?”_ Lambda’s voice rang more directly through his head now that it didn’t have to go through his ears, the mocking tone even stronger than before. It was the same kind of tone he would use when-

Asbel shook his head. “Lambda.” He looked up, realizing the world had faded to a bluish realm. “I’m not going to let anyone be hurt anymore,” he said softly, voice shaking with exhaustion. “After what happened, with Richard...”

” _Do you forgive him already? For everything he’s done?_ ”

Forgive? Asbel took a breath, closing his eyes. “Richard was hurting. And... so are you. You both have gone through so much pain. But- destroying the world isn’t the way to make it go away!” He opened his eyes, looking around. “You would still be living with that pain! But you don’t have to be alone, not ever. “

A snort filled his head. “ _So you do forgive him. Forgive me._ ”

”I just don’t want to lose anyone.” Asbel’s voice came out weak, holding onto consciousness by a thread. “Even you deserve another chance. And we can work through that pain together. Work through...”

” _Enough._ ”

”It’s what Cornell wanted, wasn’t it? The world he wanted you to see.” He needed to stay awake. If he couldn’t do this, Sophie would die, or Richard would- it had to be him. “I’ll help you see it. Through my eyes.”

Lambda was silent for a moment. “ _You’re not strong enough to resist me. I’ll consume you._ ”

”Maybe.” Asbel managed to hold out his hand. “But until then, I want to help you. I...”

” _You don’t forgive me, do you._ ” The voice was frank, not framing a question. _”So why do you make this offer?_ ”

”Because I can’t watch you die.” His hand trembled as he fought to keep it up. “Please, take my hand. I don’t want anyone to die today.”

” _And if I refuse?_ ”

”Then I’ll keep my hand up,” Asbel answered, not sure how honest that was. All Lambda needed to do was wait, and he could take over Asbel once he passed out from exhaustion. But he could feel curiosity as he held his hand up.

” _You’re pushing yourself past your limits for this.”_ Lambda’s voice filled with wonder, realizing someone would go beyond their normal means for him. “ _Just so you see no one die. Just to right a wrong you didn’t even inflict upon me.”_ He went quiet for a bit, then spoke in his own weary voice. “ _I fought too hard today, and spoke for too long. I need a safe place to rest. I will give your proposal a try, but when your guard is down..._ ”

”Rest, Lambda. I promise, I will help you find peace.”

A hand reached out, and took his. For a moment, child’s eyes met his just before light faded, taking his consciousness with it. When Asbel woke again, he could feel the Lastalia under him, and something covering him. Something long. His eyes snapped open, looking up into worried faces. “Everyone...”

”Asbel, are you okay?” Cheria reached out for him, then pulled her hand back with an anxious look. Slowly, he sat up, looking at everyone. His eyes caught on Sophie’s, her own set in a studious look.

”Asbel... you have Lambda inside you.” Sophie held her hand to her chest, sadness creeping across her face. “I can feel it. I can’t destroy him like this, but someday... someday I will have to destroy Asbel.”

”No.” He smiled at her, trying to reassure her. “He said... he said he was going to sleep for a bit. It’ll be okay. We did it, Sophie.”

She returned the smile after a bit. “Asbel, are you okay?”

Was he? Asbel looked down at his hand, swallowing at the blood he saw, at the sight of Richard’s cape covering his lower half. He... yes. Yes, he would have to be. “Let’s go home,” he said instead.

”Yes.” Hubert pushed his glasses up, staring at him critically. “If anything, you require a bath. You’re starting to smell like Pascal.”

”Hey!” As Pascal started to protest, Asbel looked over at Richard. Their eyes met briefly, then Richard dropped his, looking away as a knot screamed in Asbel’s throat. His heart slammed against his ribs as he couldn’t look away, feeling the claws in his side again as Richard stood, the hand on his face, the taste of apple-

And then the ground as his body finally lost strength and his vision went dark.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a subtle change to chapter 2. Richard feeds Apple Gels to Asbel now. It makes more narrative sense, given something that happens in this chapter. That's pretty much it.

_Tips slid into his side, pain slithering through his veins. His side was warm, hot, wet; his breaths came fast against his lips. He couldn’t move as he felt something come close him, a feeling of someone near him, whispered words, knowledge he could change this at any time. All he had to do was submit, agree, but apple kept his words shut tight-_

Asbel jerked, a breath choking his throat. Sunlight gleamed weakly against the sill, the glow of the baby day beginning as he sat up slowly. Hands touched his sides, expecting to feel sticky blood, knowing he had felt the warm liquid rush- but no. His fingers came back clean, and Asbel sighed, letting his hand drop to his lap. It had been a while since he had that dream, the memory twisting sharply into sharp fear as he slept. Three weeks, at least. What made him think about it- He shook his head a little, and rubbed his face. What had it been last time? Hubert had come by, and they had talked about the state of Strahta, Lhant, Barona-

Hands twitched suddenly, and he had to take a deep breath. It hadn’t been Richard’s fault. Richard was back to normal now, and was working on fighting those Nova monsters. Asbel stood, absently pacing with sudden energy. Any time he heard anything from Cheria, Malik, or Hubert, it was Richard had returned. But... Asbel shivered, rubbing his arms. This morning was chillier than usual. And- his fingers went numb when he saw the curtains flutter.

Someone had opened his window. As fast as he could think about it, Asbel’s hands fumbled to close it. His chest held still as breath was caught until it latched shut, and the breath tumbled out. A shaking hand pressed against the frame as he pressed his forehead against the glass. The scent still held in the air, tickling his nose at odd moments, familiar and choking and horrible and-

No. Asbel pressed his hands over his mouth, shaking his head. He was imagining the scent of apples. The tree was too far away to smell. His spined straightened, pulling his head away from the window. It was okay. He swallowed, lowering his hands. Everything was okay. Just get dressed and go downstairs for breakfast, and once more awake, go to the outskirts of town to investigate some monster reports... He could do this. It had been two months! He could do this.

He was doing better, anyway. By the time he had taken care of everything in the bathroom, he still hadn’t thrown up. His stomach rolled a little, but he didn’t even gag a little. Fingers did shake a bit while getting dressed, but by the time the stays of his sword were tied to his side, they had stopped. His stomach started to growl at him, reminding him he should stop putting it off. It was time.

Breakfast.

Asbel took a breath, running his fingers through his hair to ease a few knots one last time. It still looked like a mess, but it was good enough. Time to go. The servants jumped slightly when they saw him awake so early, wandering down to grab food. He poked his head into the kitchen, knowing a real meal wouldn’t have been prepared yet as his mother and Sophie hadn’t woke, and eyed the fresh fruit. Bananas (he wasn’t Pascal, so he ignored those), grapes, ah! Asbel grinned and picked the peach out, nodding at the cook as he closed the door again. It didn’t quite taste like what was usually in there, but- He had already heard staff complain about the lack of apples in the household, and the feeling they had to sneak around with them. A shudder picked its way through his spine as the phantom taste lingered on his tongue, and he took a hasty bite of the peach to hide it.

He was coping. Asbel swallowed, going to the study. While everything was getting ready, he could get some things done here first. And he could sit long enough to do paperwork without lingering on the thought that Lambda was sleeping in him, without remembering Richard’s warmth against him as he screamed at him, without his body erupting in pain, without looking at his servants in shame any more... he was okay now. He just needed certain things.

Doors slammed open suddenly as Asbel reached the study, and a bloody man stumbled in. “Monsters, Lord Asbel!” His one good eye rolled around, crazed, not even seeing the room properly as it darted past Asbel without acknowledging him. “Along West Lhant Road!”

Asbel’s hand paused as it untied his sword from his side. No. He could feel a fine tremor start, and he couldn’t stop it. He could cope if he didn’t-

No, he could cope, end of statement. And it had to be Nova monsters. If it had been anything else, they would be taken care of already. His hand tightened on the sword as he nodded, taking one last bite of the peach and handing it off to be thrown away. “Let’s go,” he said seriously after he swallowed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

He could do this. Just... not look at the apple tree as he went. It was easier as he thought. Footsteps sounded next to him, easily recognizable as Sophie’s, the glint off her bracers lending truth to that. The two of them came to a stop as they saw the two monsters flying before them, Asbel’s hand tightening on his scabbard. “Are you ready?” he asked softly as he felt Sophie lift her fists, hearing her soft affirmation.

Right away, Sophie moved from a Shimmering Cut to Elegant Flash, cutting right through the Nova barrier with ease. Her fists moved in deadly arcs while Asbel pulled his sword from its sheath, breaking the other’s barrier with an Aurora Lotus, the sword sliding back for him to strike with the scabbard. Wing Crush hit the monster hard, then he brought his sword up to block as its claws came up suddenly. His arms felt the impact all the way up to his shoulders, and he grit his teeth. Then- without knowing why, he took a quick step to the side, more sensing the claws ripping through the air from the other enemy before Sophie regained its attention with Demolition Drive. Pain raked down his arm, reminding him to pay attention to the one in front of him as he swung his sword out. The monster rammed into him suddenly, forcing him to the ground, and dove. Prickle of pain spread through his torso-

-as Richard leaned in, crimson gaze burning into his face. He knew the old Richard was in there, he just needed to get him back out. A claw traced his jaw, so close to his throat, as hot breath washed across his lips. He just wanted his friend back, he would do anything to have him back, just. Let him be Richard again. He could hear his name, but it didn’t have anything to do with this. It didn’t have anything to do with bringing Richard-

”Asbel!” Sophie’s frantic voice made him roll to one side, dodging another attack. Warmth spread across his body as a Cure finished from her lips, and he pulled himself to his feet, shakily holding his sword in front of him. The other monster had crumpled into a bloody heap, courtesy of Sophie, while the other one tried to pull up another barrier, only to have it shattered under her fists. Asbel unsheathed his sword, ready to hit with a Concussive Bolt when Sophie lashed out one more time with a punch, and it dropped one last time. She turned to him, her face crossed with worry. “Asbel, are you okay?” Her hand didn’t reach out; she had learned months ago that was a bad idea. Hovering, however, she hadn’t broken. Sophie moved a little closer, frowning. “Asbel?”

”I’m fine.” Her face didn’t clear as he smiled at her, his attempt at reassuring her falling flat. “See? All fine. I just got distracted for a moment. Come on.” Asbel held a hand out to her, his smile growing as she took it. “We should get cleaned up before we have breakfast.”

Sophie’s little face shifted to a soft look at the mention of food. “What’s for breakfast, Asbel?”

”I don’t know. We’ll have to go home and see.” His stomach growled, agreeing with him.

She nodded, smiling a little. Then, as she started back to Lhant, Sophie turned back to him. “If something’s wrong, you can tell me.” Her serious eyes turned to him before turning away, the lure of food tempting her back to Lhant. Asbel watched her go, the hand that had held hers shaking ever so slightly.

* * *

Everything fell into place whenever they ate. Sophie, his mother, and a table... it was like nothing had ever happened. A normal day, everything okay. Asbel smiled as he watched Sophie eat, her soft request for crablettes for breakfast having been answered.

”I hear you had an eventful morning,” his mother finally said, lowering her fork.

Asbel laughed slightly, his hand moving to the back of his head. “Yeah. It was nothing major, though. Sophie and I took care of it with no problems.”

The girl in question looked up at him, her face contradicting his words. “Asbel is lying,” came the blunt words.

His mother sighed, fingers tightening on the silverware. “I know things were hard on you,” she said quietly. “And no one would think poorly on you if you decided to... take a holiday. Go to Strahta for a bit. You’ve come back and thrown yourself into being the Lord of Lhant, and I-”

”I’m fine, Mother,” he interrupted. “See? I’m doing a lot better. And the people of Lhant need their Lord.” Asbel put his own fork down, and walked over to her, taking her hands. “I’m _fine._ It was just a moment. And I had Sophie with me. You and Sophie have helped me so much, and with you two, I can do this.” He smiled at her, squeezing her hands. “And everyone else helps when they come by. I’m not alone here.”

”You haven’t seen Richard since we came back.” Sophie’s voice came from behind him, worried, knowing how his hands would tighten at the mention of seeing Richard, at the idea of seeing him.

Going to Barona. Going to see Richard, to see him in his finery as he was before his mind corrupted- Asbel closed his eyes, trying not to let his mother see how the thought hit him. “We’ve been too busy.” The words fell flat even to his ears, and he felt the hands pull free. “When we’re not so busy with everything, we can go to Barona. Okay, Sophie?”

”Asbel...” He could feel something hovering before him, his muscles locking before it dropped away. “Be careful,” he could hear his mother say instead. “And a diplomatic trip to Strahta still wouldn’t be amiss right now.”

He opened his eyes, smiling weakly at her as he stepped away. “I know.” Asbel looked between her and Sophie, his stomach rolling. “Excuse me. I’m... I’m no longer hungry.”

Before they could say anything, he escaped for his room. He couldn’t- try to eat after that. Not after the idea of going to Barona now. Of running away to Strahta. Sure, he’d like to see his brother again, but what his mother was suggesting was running away from his duties. He couldn’t do that. He had to face them head on. And he could do it. He was doing okay, like he said. With everyone, he could cope just fine!

The words felt more hollow the more he thought them.

Asbel looked down at his hand, trying to make sense of it all. Maybe... maybe he would do even better if he did see Richard. He was busy, but he could take a little time. And he knew Richard was busy, so he couldn’t stay long. A short visit wouldn’t be too bad, would it? Then he’d come back and he’d be okay and he’d do even better. Yeah. Yeah! That sounded great. And Sophie would be so happy to hear it. She had wanted to see Richard. Going to Barona would make her smile.

The room shook. It had taken a few times in the past for him to realize it was him shaking, not the ground. The idea... was he ready? He knew going was a good idea, get it over with. But... it was too soon. Too... Asbel shook his head. No. It wasn’t. He could do this.

He could do this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More warnings. Richard does get drunk during this chapter and a bit angry at himself at the end. Please tread carefully.

Waves lapped at the boat, the gentleness almost soothing quieting the turmoil rolling through Asbel. He hadn’t been in Barona in... no, he wouldn’t think about it. It was to make Sophie smile. Asbel rubbed his arms, turning away from the railing. Everything would be okay. He would... just see Richard, and everything would be okay. Richard was back to normal, after all. He had even heard about how he was leading the fight against Nova monsters. So Richard wasn’t... he wasn’t going to hurt him.

”Asbel?” Sophie’s soft voice made him jump and turn sheepishly. She tilted her head, worry lining her young features. “Is everything okay?”

”Yeah, everything’s fine!” He laughed slightly, placing a hand on her head. “Are you looking forward to seeing Barona?”

Sophie nodded, her pigtails swaying with the motion. “Will Richard meet us when we land?”

Asbel lifted his hand as a shiver raced through him, the idea of seeing Richard as soon as they set foot on land- “He’s been really busy, Sophie. He might not even be there.”

”Oh.” Gentle disappointment filled her face, stabbing Asbel worse than

_up his sides as claws slowly slid out_

”Asbel?”

”We’ll visit the castle first,” he told her, almost distractedly. The light happiness that suffused her features made him smile a little, tilting his head as Sophie turned away. He didn’t want her to worry about him. He would get through this, and make it back to Lhant. Then Sophie and his mother would stop worrying. Stop fretting over something they had no control over and smile when they saw him. The thought gave him strength to move forward, to watch Barona come closer. It wasn’t so bad. It wouldn’t be so bad.

At least Barona itself didn’t look like it had changed. There was some comfort at looking at familiar buildings he had seen often, of the proud curve of Gloandi shining gently with eleth. Everything about it reminded Asbel things were normal again. That nothing- nothing would be wrong.

How _would_ Richard be? All he had heard was he had been fighting Nova monsters. Was he haunted by what he had done while influenced by Lambda? Or did he want the world to forgive him for what he had done? Would he... Asbel looked away, turning his face away from the sea breeze. What he had done to his friends... would he bring it up? Asbel took a deep breath, looking back at the approaching Barona. If he did, he could handle it. He was doing fine, after all.

”Asbel.” Sophie’s voice came from beside him, soft and urgent. “We’re almost there.”

”Yeah.” He turned to her, looking at her tilted head. “Are you excited?”

Her pigtailed swayed as she nodded. “Mm. Are you okay?”

Sophie’s question made him pause. He didn’t really... “You and Mom are right. I need to see Richard. And I never meant for you to feel like you couldn’t see him. He’s your friend too. So- so I’ll be okay.”

She didn’t look mollified at that, but there was nothing she could say as the boat pulled into port. And he wasn’t lying. He _would_ be okay.

And she would be happy again.

* * *

”I’ll tell King Richard you’re here.” The knight almost looked joyous as he saluted. Not a surprise, considering how they had known Richard before, and several knights remembered them helping to retake the castle.

Sophie turned to Asbel as the knight left, tilting her head. “Richard is here.”

A chill shivered through his body as he smiled at her. He hadn’t... really expected Richard to actually be in town. “Yeah. Maybe we can make a long visit of this?”

That made Sophie smile. “Can we have crablettes?”

Asbel laughed, placing a hand between her pigtails. “Of course.” The clank of books caught their attention as the knight came back, saluting them. Without another word, they followed back towards the throne room, a shudder making its way through every part of his body with each step. With a deep breath, he pressed his hands against his thighs as the door to the room opened, willing himself to stop shaking. He could do this. Everything was okay.

Richard had his back to them when the door opened, a rich red cape catching his eye. He knelt carefully, trying to calm his heart. Richard had changed his clothing; the green more like anything he had worn as a child. After a moment, he turned, his motions not quite as smooth as he remembered Richard being. “Asbel. It’s good to see you again.”

Asbel lifted his head, a little surprised. That voice, the one he expected to be so controlled again, held surprise and a note of something he couldn’t place. Slowly, he stood, one hand curling at his side. It would be polite to reach out, to greet him, but- He took in a shaking breath, trying not to remember

_”I’ll let you down when you understand.”_

what had happened. Richard smiled sadly at that, closing eyes that seemed far too bright. “I’m glad to see you’re well.”

”I am too.” There was nothing but kindness and familiar warmth in his face. Asbel relaxed a little, his hand coming up just a little. Hesitantly, Richard did the same, taking his hand in a brief clasp. A sharp, sweet scent tickled his nose as he came close, but Richard pulled away before he could remember where he had smelled it before.

”I do apologize.” Richard turned to Sophie, his face softening. “Sophie. How have you been?”

”I’m fine.” She looked up at him, her face still serious. “Asbel isn’t.”

With those words, Richard turned back to him, his eyebrows swept upward. “What does she mean?”

”Sophie...” Asbel looked at her, at the concern that hadn’t fallen off her face, then back at Richard. “It’s nothing. Just a few bad dreams.”

Richard took a breath, nodding a little. “I understand.” A thought occurred to him, turning his head to one side. “I do have to apologize again. Starting tomorrow, I have a very full day. There will be several representatives requesting an audience with me. I fear I won’t have time to spend with you after you traveled all this way.”

”No, it’s okay.” Relief filled him, followed by a rush of guilt. No, he shouldn’t feel so happy Richard was too busy to spend time with them.

Richard looked back at them, his eyes glittering with sadness. “It wouldn’t do for you to come all this way and this to be our only meeting. Would you join me for dinner?” He smiled at Sophie, already anticipating her question. “I would think crablettes would be on the menu tonight.

Sophie looked back at Asbel, her eyes silently asking for him to say yes. It was difficult not to agree with her, especially how his own stomach growled slightly. “Sure thing, Richard. Dinner sounds great.”

* * *

The wine tasted sharp and bitter, the alcohol scent almost making him gag. It rested heavily on his tongue, almost coating it dryly. Asbel set the goblet aside, trying not to make a face as he reached quickly for the water. Sophie looked up at him from around her mound of crablettes, curious. “Sorry, Richard,” he told him, setting the wine a little further away. “It’s not really my thing.”

”No, I apologize.” A servant refilled Richard’s glass, and he took a small sip. “This particular wine is an... acquired taste. We do have lighter vintages, if you would-”

”That’s okay,” he said hastily. “I’ll be okay with water.” Asbel watched Richard eat for a moment, then turned his attention back to his plate. “Richard... has everything been okay?”

There was a hesitation in the sound of Richard eating, then the soft _chnk_ of silverware being set down. “Asbel, much like you probably do...” He looked up to watch Richard take a sip of wine, then look down at the glass. “I have moments that all I can do is remember what had happened. All I can do is look around and see echoes of my failures, the pain of my actions.” He took another, longer drink, and set the glass back on the table. Without a word, it was refilled - hadn’t it only been a few moments since it was last poured? “What I’ve done disgusts me,” Richard confessed softly, snatching the goblet back up, taking another sip. “To see how I had been, that I was foolish enough to fall for Lambda’s... I need to fix it, to erase the stain I left in my pain.”

”Richard...” Sophie looked over at him, then at Asbel. The amount of loathing they had just heard-

”But you’re making everything okay now.” Asbel scrambled for words, trying to find something that would make Richard put the wine glass down, and ignore how it was being refilled. “And what’s past is past. The future is what matters.”

Richard set the goblet down, his face already flushed from the drink. “And what does that mean to the people? What does that mean for _you_?”

”Richard...”

”I’ve hurt people in my own pain, in my own delusions, hurt those I care about, those I-” Silence, then he stood suddenly, and hand to his forehead. “I apologize, Sophie, Asbel. It seems I’ve had too much to drink.” He smiled briefly at them, eyes too bright. “Please, enjoy the rest of dinner. I regret that I won’t be able to see you off tomorrow.”

”Richard!” Asbel stood, moving around the table to take his arm. He stopped, not looking at either of them. As long as he was the one touching Richard, as long as Richard didn’t touch him- “Don’t shut us out of this!”

A soft, wistful smile touched Richard’s lips. “I’m sorry, Asbel. Perhaps next time.” Gently, he pulled his arm from his grasp, almost careful not to show any aggression. “Feel free to use the guest rooms. Goodnight, Sophie.” With graceful motions, he swept out of the dining hall, leaving Asbel holding onto nothing and shaking ever so slightly.

”Asbel... what happened?” Sophie stood, moving next to his side. “Is Richard okay?”

”I don’t know,” he told her honestly, numbly. He looked at his hand, wondering when it had become so useless to help Richard. When it made Richard look at him with those eyes, and refuse his help. Asbel took a deep breath, those self-loathing words still echoing in his ears. “I don’t know.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last few months of wedding planning and then getting sick are not good for writing. Just saying.

_Pain, but he couldn’t tell whose. It was all around him, inside him, gazing at him through red eyes and need. But were they red? They went between colors, horrid and familiar. But both needed him and didn’t want him. The pain screamed up his side as he wanted to wipe that look from his eyes and make it-_

It took Sophie’s gentle hand to rouse Asbel from his thoughts. They scattered as soon as he sat up from reading some papers at his desk, looking over at her worried expression. She slowly pulled her hand away, tilting her head. “I didn’t know where you went,” she told him seriously. “Did you hit your head?”

He shook his head. “I’m fine. I’m sorry, Sophie.” Asbel rubbed one eye, resisting the urge to yawn. “What is it?”

”You looked so far away.” Sophie frowned, thinking about it. “You’ve been so far away since we went to Barona. Is everything okay with Richard?”

Asbel’s hand twitched slightly at the memory. Something had been wrong, he knew it. But what, he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Richard held guilt about what happened, and he sounded so angry about it. And the entire time, something had been off. Something had looked wrong, sounded wrong. And Asbel didn’t know how to fix it. But it would all be okay. He and Sophie had gone to see him, and now Richard knew he was okay. So that would make Richard okay, and make Asbel okay because he had made Sophie happy. Another soft touch made him jolt out of those thoughts, and smile sheepishly at the girl. “I’m sorry. Everything’s okay. Just... it was strange seeing him again.”

”He and Lambda hurt you.” Sophie’s words made him look away from her, swallowing. “Are you still hurt? Richard looks hurt.”

”Yeah, he did...” He trailed off, thinking. Richard had- no. He wouldn’t dwell on it, not now. Not in front of Sophie. Not with what could, would happen. But what could he do about what Richard was going through? He had so much to do back here in Lhant. “There’s not much I can do, Sophie. I don’t know how.”

Sophie tilted her head. “Maybe we can go back to Barona? Richard seemed hurt that he was alone.”

That thought... Asbel swallowed, trying not to let his hand tremble. He had just gone to see Richard a few weeks ago. He couldn’t- not so soon. It was true, Richard had been hurting so much and it- Asbel just wanted him to smile again. Everything was over now, and he could go back to being himself. “Sophie...”

She shook her head. “Asbel. Please. You keep... going away, and I keep thinking about Richard too. I-” Sophie hesitated, looking down at her hands. “I don’t want my friends to be hurt.”

It made Asbel hesitate too. Richard, Sophie, everyone... he didn’t want them to hurt either. And with what he was doing, he was making them hurt. At the same time... he couldn’t see Richard this soon. If Sophie went... “Okay,” he told her softly, watching her face brighten. “But... maybe Cheria can take you. I need to stay here.”

”Or maybe Hubert,” she told him thoughtfully. “Oh. Hubert’s here.”

That made him stand suddenly. “Hubert?” Asbel asked, nervous. When did he get here? Why was he here? There wasn’t anything with Strahta that he needed to go over with Hubert, was there? No, wait, now that he thought about it maybe he needed to talk to him about some trade or something or why was Hubert here _now_? Asbel started to straighten his desk, swallowing quickly. Seeing his little brother since... it was always a challenge. He knew Hubert cared for him, but- it was almost worse than his mother and Sophie.

Asbel froze when he heard the door open, looking up with papers in his hands as Hubert marched his way into the room, Sophie silently leaving behind him. “Uh. Hi, Hubert,” he said with a smile, slowly putting the papers back down.

”Hello, brother.” Critical eyes swept over Asbel as he forced himself to come around the desk. “You’re looking as terribly as you usually do these days.”

The words made Asbel flush with indignation. “Hubert!”

Fingers pushed up his glasses as Hubert sighed. “Should we just do away with the pleasantries? You’ve been sending what has to be Lhant’s entire supply of apples to Yu Liberte.”

”We had too many of them,” Asbel started to argue when his brother cut him off.

”It’s excessive!” Hubert’s stance shifted, irritation showing in the lines of his body. “Straha has little need for so many apples. I cannot fathom why you feel the need to export so much.” The words hung with tension in the air for a moment before a sigh broke through them. “Brother, what is it about apples in particular?”

The words made his throat choke as he shook his head. He couldn’t tell him. Not with the words bringing the taste so close to his tongue already, making the feeling of something next to his side hover next to him. “It’s not-”

Hubert shook his head, glaring at Asbel before speaking. ”Brother, you look like you haven’t slept at all in the last week. And have you even eaten anything more than a snack in the last few days?” His eyes pinned his brother with a fierce glare, not giving him room to look away. “I can’t believe anyone would let you go like this.”

”Hubert...”

”If you can’t take care of yourself,” he continued, crossing his arms, “then you’ll have to be put into the care of someone who can. I came to talk to you about your poor trade choices,but if you can’t be trusted with yourself then I can see it’s not worth it.”

Asbel blinked for a moment, the words starting to take on another tone. “Are you... worried about me?”

”Of course I’m worried about you!” The words came out quick, almost without thinking. “You haven’t been the same since we came back, you’re making more and more poor choices, and we still don’t know what happened. How do you think we can help you if you won’t talk to us?”

The words made Asbel look away with embarrassment, trying not to remember. Trying not to remember Richard’s breath on his face, his claws- “It’s because- there’s nothing to talk about. Everything’s fine. I mean-” He shifted his gaze, not yet looking up. “It’s not like how it was before. And I even could go to Barona to see Richard. I’m fine.”

Hubert made a disgruntled noise in the back of his throat, but raised his hand to his mouth. “That would explain a few things. You’re still an idiot.”

”What do you mean, explain a few things?” Asbel asked, finally raising his head. What did that mean? What kind of things could that explain?

With a sigh, Hubert readjusted his glasses. “I’ve had to also have conference with Richard recently. If he’s met with you, that would explain what happened during our meeting.”

Asbel took a half-step forward, his heart pounding so hard it almost hurt his ribs. “What happened? Is Richard okay?”

”You don’t owe him anything, Brother.” Hubert lowered his hand, his eyes narrowing. “Don’t you understand? After what happened, you don’t owe him any of your pity or sympathy. Whatever happened to you, it was at his hands at Lambda’s urging. You need to take care of yourself first before anything else.”

”I just can’t let a friend hurt like this!”

With a sigh, Hubert held a hand to his head. “And what is it that you plan on doing?”

”I...” Asbel scratched the back of his head as he thought for a moment. “I would go see him again. I mean, he should know he’s not alone, and I really didn’t have a good visit last time. And it’s shouldn’t be just me. I mean, he probably feels alone right now. So we all should go, or at least as many as us as we can.”

”I can’t allow you to do that.” With a fist clenched by his side, Hubert stood squarely at him. “Richard is not your responsibility. And this will only be detrimental to you both.”

”Hubert!” Asbel took a deep breath, helplessness racing through him. He had to get through to him. He had to get Huber to understand- “I can’t let a friend go through this alone. And... it’s okay now. I saw it with my own eyes. Richard’s not like that anymore.”

For a moment, his brother looked at him with furious eyes. Then, Hubert turned away, one hand pushing up his glasses. “And if I were to try to stop you, you would find a way to get there anyway.” He looked back at him, piercing and angry. “I’m going with you, but don’t misunderstand. You shouldn’t. And I will let you know every step of the way. I will be letting you know just how stupid you’re being as we go, and try to talk you out of it even when we reach Barona. And even then, you shouldn’t even spend too much time with Richard.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead. “If it’s anything like our meeting, he’ll be drunk and it’ll be a meaningless conversation with him.”

Asbel felt a jolt shiver through him as things fell into place. The smell finally registered - wine. He had smelled of wine the entire time, and had so much of it during their dinner- “Then that just proves my point,” he told him seriously. “Richard’s been hurting so much he’s been drinking. He needs someone there to let him know it’s okay.”

”And why is it you, Asbel? Why do you have to go?”

”Because I care about him!” The words held too much passion, too much... need. Hubert took a step back in the force of them, surprise crossing his face. Then his hand rose, covering his mouth in thought.

Asbel watched as Hubert muttered to himself, catching a few phrases and not quite understanding them. Finally, he lowered his hand, looking at him. “It’s still not a good idea.”

”It’s the only thing I can do.”

Hubert sighed, his hand going to his head again. “Then I will accompany you. But first.” He pierced Asbel with another intense glare. “We are going to sort out this trade issue. You need to start trading something more than apples, Asbel.”

”I know, I know.” Asbel turned to his papers, then stopped, tilting his head. “Hubert? How did you know that Richard had been drunk? I didn’t even know until you said something.”

”Little wonder,” he muttered. “It ended up being the little things. His eyes being too bright and glazed. The way he talked being that slightly loose but too precise way of speaking. His balance just a touch off. The smell of wine. And of course, it clicked when I saw him taking a sip of wine outside of dinner. He hides it well, and he’s never too drunk while he needs to be in the eyes of the public. But if you’re looking, you can see it.”

”Richard...” Asbel looked away, feeling guilt pang through him. How hadn’t they noticed? Richard had done so much while under Lambda, yes, but he was trying so hard to make it up, and he felt so much guilt for what he had done. What he did to the world, and to Asbel. And because of how they were leaving him alone, he turned to drinking- it was his fault, and he had to fix it.

”Enough. Back to the matter at hand.” Asbel shook his head a little to try and clear it as he tried to focus on Hubert’s words. He was right. They did need to worry about this trade agreement first.

And then Richard. Then they could help him.


	6. Chapter 6

A told-you-so was coming. Asbel knew it. With everything happening, Richard ended up being too busy to take guests, even though they were welcomed. Hubert was about to tell him that he knew it was a bad idea to come and they should have never left Lhant and-

The sigh heralded Hubert’s irritation. “Well, this is a waste of time,” he started, exactly as Asbel knew he would. “Of course, even if you knew how much of a waste of time it would be, I still wouldn’t have been able to talk you out of this. You’re more stubborn than even I could even imagine. You do know we should return back to Lhant, yes?”

”We can request an audience and-”

”You’re so predictable,” Hubert cut him off. “Which is why I made arrangements to stay at the castle and sent a letter ahead once you made your decision to come to request said audience. We should be able to see him in the next few days. Honestly, Asbel,” he said at the dumbfounded look on his brother’s face, “you should think a little ahead when it comes to things like this. I still do think this is a very bad idea.”

”I know,” Asbel murmured. But Richard was drinking, hurting... he had to do this. He had to try to make this better. As his mind started to consider that, a familiar pair of voices broke in.

”Asbel!” Cheria walked up next to Hubert, her eyes only on him. Her hands crossed demurely in front of her as she looked at him in surprise, worry deep within as well. She looked between the two brothers, her gaze stopping on Hubert with a question on her face. He shook his head, resigned.

”Didn’t expect to see you here.” The deep rumble of Malik’s voice came before he did as he came up behind Cheria, eyeing him cautiously. Both of them were treating him so carefully... Asbel shook his head a little, smiling.

”It’s fine,” he told them. “I just needed to see Richard.” Asbel hesitated, watching the two of them exchange a look. What was that about? “Don’t worry,” he said hastily, just in case it was about what Richard had done to him. “I just... he’s been hurting so much. Someone needs to be there for him.”

”And that someone is you?” Something about Malik’s speculative tone made him wince. Made him look away in shame. Hubert had been saying that all along, but when the Captain said it... it sounded so much worse. It hit him so much more, as if he knew.

Cheria took a step forward, her face creased with worry. “You don’t have to do this,” she started when he shook his head.

”I want to,” Asbel told them firmly.

At those words, Hubert sighed, pushing up his glasses. He had heard enough. Ever so dramatic, he crossed his arms. “Asbel has been stubborn about this since it’s been announced. He won’t let go of the idea of seeing Richard at all, thinking he needs to make sure that he is okay. I’m here to make sure he doesn’t do anything too stupid, like think he needs to fix Richard and stay longer than he needs to.”

Malik’s hand ran across his beard in thought, approval starting to show in his face. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” he finally said, over Asbel’s sound of protest. He eyed the younger man, the look making him shift uncomfortably. What was it about Malik that made Asbel think he was being looked straight through? “Cheria?”

Instead of smiling and agreeing, her face fell a bit. “Captain, can I talk to you alone?”

”Of course, Cheria.” The two of them stepped to one side to speak, making Asbel nervous. No one seemed to agree with him. But Richard needed someone, and he wanted so badly to help him.

Hubert didn’t look at him as the two of them talked. “We care about you more than you think, Asbel,” he said suddenly. “I just wish you would listen to us for once.”

”I know.” Asbel turned, looking at the castle around him. “Just... trust me.”

”I find it hard to do so at times.” Hubert sighed, pushing up his glasses. “But the least I can do is mitigate the damage.”

”Asbel.” Cheria’s voice made him look back as she walked back to them. “Are you sure it’s the best thing for you and Richard for you to be here?”

”Yes.” He didn’t even have to think about it.

Her face didn’t pick up as she nodded at the words. “Please be careful. I-” Cheria’s hand rose to her chest as her words choked. Asbel stepped to her, not wanting to see that look on her face. She turned her head up to him, surprise crossing her eyes. “Asbel.”

”I promise.” He smiled at her, wanting to see it echoed on her lips. She looked so sad, and no one needed to look like that. Richard, Cheria, no one. “Everything will be okay.”

* * *

And then they waited. When Hubert said the next few days, it turned more into a week. Richard was just more and more busy, leaving Asbel to hoping he’d be able at least to catch a glimpse of his friend, to talk to him at some point about anything. Just make him feel better for a moment.

Trying to sleep had been near impossible, especially tonight. Asbel found himself jerking out of a sound sleep, the memory of the Lastalia walls rough against his back and pain radiating down his sides making his heart pound. He slowly sat up, trying not to make a sound and wake Hubert. Not to let him know something was wrong. Why couldn’t he let go of those dreams? He just wanted to sleep well, not have a scream bubbling up behind his teeth as his mind replayed those days over and over. Asbel slipped out of bed, intent on a walk through the halls. A thought of _this is how it started_ wormed through his mind, making him shiver as he made his way down corridors. How he had left everyone else to try and clear his mind, and how Richard had surprised him, taken him-

But it wasn’t the same. There were people around, many of them willing to fight and die alongside him. He wasn’t going to be- Asbel found himself stumbling against a wall as his breath came quicker. No, he was safe in Barona. Everything would be okay. His head started to swim as he leaned up against the wall, trying to keep his balance. If he could just- get back to his room, everything would be okay. Hubert wouldn’t even need to know what happened.

”Asbel, are you okay?”

Muscles locked up as Richard’s voice grabbed him. No, he couldn’t- A hand touched his face, and he held still. Kept perfectly still because if he did he might not get hurt, he might be okay. He could heard Richard talking to him, and it _was_ Richard this time, not Lambda. He could get Richard back, but he would have to make sure he did everything right to not be hurt-

Thumbs rubbed his wrists. “Asbel, please,” came the pleading tone. “Please breathe. You’re safe here. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

That was- new. Asbel looked up, meeting concerned eyes. Meeting- A sudden breath made his chest hurt as he realized that there was no trace of red in those eyes. They were Richard’s eyes, no trace of Lambda at all. Breaths kept coming harshly in his throat as he gulped them down, thumbs still rolling in circles on his wrists. He could feel himself crying, unable to stop. Barona was supposed to be safe. It had been safe before, not a place where it could touch him. He was-

”I’m sorry, Asbel.” The pure misery hit him hard, making his teeth grit. “I’m so sorry, I-” No, this wasn’t right. Richard wasn’t supposed to sound like that. Asbel felt something stir inside him, sleepily irritated as he broke Richard’s hold, pulling him into a hug. “Asbel?”

”It’s not- Please don’t sound like that, Richard.” He couldn’t stop trembling, but he couldn’t let Richard sound like that anymore. Asbel tried to make his voice sound firmer as he held Richard tightly. “I’ll be okay. It- it’s nothing.”

”It’s not nothing!” Richard pushed him back a bit to look at him, searching. “You’re... You’re always pushing yourself aside for me. Even though it made you react like this, you still came back here to see me. There’s nothing we needed to have a meeting on, so there’s no reason for you to be here other than to see me. You...” His hand lifted, wanting to touch his face before dropping as Asbel winced away from it. “You care about me so much, Asbel, even after I-”

Asbel shook his head. “That’s in the past, Richard. That’s not you now.” Slowly, he lowered his hands, taking in his friend. Not dressed in his usual clothes, but dressed down, almost ready for bed. He looked haggard like this, and his face, his eyes- Asbel bit his lip as he saw the signs of alcohol all over his friend. “You’ve been punishing yourself for what happened. Hubert told me about... you drinking. Richard, you’re not alone here! You don’t have to try to close yourself off and deal with this alone! I’m here, and I’ll help you and-”

His words cut off as Richard pressed his lips against his. For a moment, as he pulled back, Richard looked calm. “Forgive me,” he murmured. He opened his mouth to say more when Asbel pulled him close, kissing him again. He wanted that calm look back. Richard deserved it. Fingers stroked his arm, gentle and unsure as Richard deepened the kiss. Good, he just wanted- just wanted Richard to smile again the way he used to, to not think he needed that glass of wine. As long as he held Richard, as long as he took control, it’d be fine. Asbel took a small step forward, shifting his weight and- oh. _Oh._

”Richard.” Asbel broke the kiss to whisper against his lips, his hip brushing up against Richard. Oh. How did he not notice before? Why didn’t he realize it?“You-”

Slowly, he started to pull away from Asbel, “I’m s-” he started before Asbel grabbed him again, kissing him.

”Stop saying that,” he told him, his voice starting to break. This would make Richard feel better, wouldn’t it? Asbel kissed him again, shifting purposely to roll his hips awkwardly against Richard’s. He... would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about this at least once. Richard was such a figure in his life, so close alongside Cheria... He hadn’t expected it to go like this, though. But as long as Richard smiled again, he’d take it. It’d be what he wanted.


End file.
